Lesson 6: Jealousy: A Green-Eyed Monster or Real Love?

JEALOUSY: AN EMOTIONAL RESPONSE TO A REAL OR PERCEIVED THREAT TO A VALUED RELATIONSHIP.
     We've all been there. At one point in our lives, we've been jealous of someone--or possibly something. Whether it be our siblings, friends, peers, boyfriend, girlfriend, or TV for whatever reasons. Is jealousy a good thing or is it a feeling people should never experience? Is it destructive or is it beneficial? In this post, I will attempt to answer some questions about jealousy in a romantic-love relationship.
    Some level of jealousy is functional in a relationship. Sometimes it encourages someone to think about an intimate relationship and look for constructive ways to help the relationship grow. However, when jealousy becomes too intense, it can become an issue and may even lead to abuse or violence in an intimate relationship.
    Therapists see jealousy as a self-defeating emotion; but does it really matter what therapists think?? However, they make a good point; jealous people just make themselves miserable by constantly worrying about what their partners are doing and it just makes the whole relationship tense. The jealous partner is often insecure about losing their significant other, which is why they react so drastically and try to control the relationship, which may drive the other partner away.
    So...if we can't control our jealousy what do we do? Well, first make sure you have your own issues all figured out. If you have low self-esteem, try and figure ways to feel better about yourself because your boyfriend or girlfriend loves you for who you are, and you being jealous isn't going to keep them closer, but staying true to yourself and trusting your partner will help your relationship grow and bloom like a flower! :D You can't control how your partner behaves, but you can control how you perceive a certain event. For example, if you think your significant other flirts a lot..maybe he or she doesn't..maybe he or she is just really friendly and open to everyone and you have to be ok with that. If you often feel jealous because of what happened in your past relationships..DON'T. Start fresh and give your new partner a chance and trust them. You have to open yourself and can't let the past dictate your present life. It may seem scary at first, but let go of the past, in order to live in the present!
    IF it is impossible to not feel jealous sometimes, just follow the tips below to make sure the Green-Eyed Monster doesn't destroy the love and bond you have with your partner:
1. Confront the jealousy and talk about it with your partner (Jealousy is a sign that there is a problem and it      should not be ignored.)
2. Discuss how much each person is committed to the relationship and wants to maintain it overtime. If both of you would like to continue your relationship, then
3. Talk about ways that you both can work together to build a closer and more intimate relationship.

So, that was a short blog on what jealousy is and kind of why people feel jealous. I hope the tips help tone down the jealousy and if not, make sure to TALK TALK TALK. Communication is SOO important in a relationship. Without it, a relationship won't work, no matter how much love there is. Comment if you have anything to add :)

Lesson 5: How to Save $$$

Below are a few tips that my Marriage and Families textbook suggested on how couples/families can save a couple of bucks! The ones I chose to put down work for individuals as well.

1. Don't buy on impulse: Know what you're looking for and don't buy anything you really don't need (I have problems with this one..because I think I NEED what I WANT haha--whoopsies)
2. Avoid buying on credit: High interest rates credit cards charge can double the cost of an item. Think REAL hard before buying anything on credit..is it really worth DOUBLE of what it was originally or should you wait until you have REAL PEOPLE money?
3. Buy at the right time: Of course if a brand new model of something just came out yesterday, it's gonna be a bit pricey! If you wait a bit, the price will go down and the quality will still be the same. SO..do you really need it NOW? Or can you wait a couple of months and save $$$? THINK about this one, though it's tempting cuz others have the newest versions and models. What you save can end up going towards a future purchase..that's like TWO things for the price of ONE--HOW EXCITING!! Also, watch out for sales, but don't buy something just cuz it's cheap...another Whoopsies for me..I think cheap is GOOD! haha..but watch out for QUALITY (not quantity).
4. Don't pay extra for a brand name: As tempting as it is to tromp around with designer jeans and brand name jackets..do you really NEED to? Generic items are often as good and usually cheaper..just remember to look for QUALITY, if it's worth it, then go for it!
5. Recognize that convenience costs money: Local stores might cost more $$$ because they're RIGHT THERE and they know that. So..if you don't need something right away, wait till you can go to another location that's cheaper.
6. Question the need to go first class: Do you really need the "best"? Can you really afford the most expensive version of a given product or service?

Lesson 4: Styles of Conflict Resolution

How do most people resolve their conflicts? Below are some different styles; you'll probably recognize of them but I've also included the advantages and disadvantages of each style.

Styles of Conflict Resolution:

Competitive: Pursuing personal concerns at expense of others (I win, you Lose)

Collaborative: being highly assertive in regard to reaching one’s goals while also showing great concern for the other person.               

Disadvantage: 
1.burn out on relationships because they invest so much energy into resolving conflict.

2.Good collaborators are powerful and sometimes use strengths to manipulate people.

Compromise: intermediate style btw aggressiveness and cooperation

Advantage: more direct than avoidance/reinforce relationship is one btw equals

Disadvantage: favors easy “formula”

Avoidance: avoiding conflicts by changing the subject or w/drawing
A: gives avoider time to think if good will come from fight/whether others can manage fight
D: conveys avoider doesn't want to deal w/ problem, puts problem on back burner, reinforce that conflict is bad, should be avoided, usually sets stage for further conflict

Accommodating: Involves nonassertive and cooperative behaviors
A: giving in and being reasonable when accommodator is in wrong

D: reduce creative options; sacrifices genuine dialogue; produce resentment and desire to get even

All these styles have their own advantages and disadvantages, not one is better than the other, as long as different styles are exercised. So remember to balance between each style- depending on the situation!

Which style do you tend to use more the most and is it typically effective? Please comment and share!

Lesson 3: Interdependency

Question of the day: Is being too close to your partner or friend problematic? Is it better to be super independent or rely on your partner/friend all the time?
Answer: Neither. There's this term called interdependency and it's apparently the BEST type of relationship to have. So what is this interdependency?

Well...Interdependency- it sounds a little like DEPENDENCY, but also like INDEPENDENT...what??
It's exactly the combination of the two. Interdependency is the balance between dependency and independence. It allows for individuality as well as recognizing the needs of others (which is necessary to maintain close and healthy relationship).

Think about it, you wouldn't want to decide EVERYTHING for your partner or rely on them to choose EVERYTHING for you, right? It's important to have your own independent feelings and life while at the same time, remaining that intimacy with your significant other and building a relationship of trust and togetherness. This doesn't mean having separate lives; it just means having two joint lives (if that makes sense). You want to have your own friends, but also for your significant other to be a part of that life too. This concept can also be applied to a friendship.

I feel like this can perhaps be a controversial topic. Some may think that being together all the time is the BEST way to maintain intimacy, but one big problem that comes into play is jealousy. People need to balance being intimate and close, but also focus on being independent so individuals can develop, which is important for a healthy relationship.

Lesson 2: Communicating Effectively

Using Communication to Increase Intimacy:

1. Look for the good in ur partner and give compliments
2. Praise ur partner as much as possible
3. Take time to listen, listen, listen,
4. Listen to understand, not judge
5. Make sure u understand waht the other is saying before commenting
6. Be assertive: share feelsings by using "I" statements
7. Share personal feelings
8. When an issue arise, avoid blaming each other and talk directly about how to deal with the issue differently
9. If the issue persists, focus on creating as many new solutions as u can and then try them one at a time

The best type of communication is assertive. Which means one expresses one's feelings, emotions, and thoughts. (You have the right to say what you think and your partner has the right to understand why you're acting a certain way and just to know what's going on in your head)

Postivite Influence of Assertiveness:

-Increase in Self confidence
-Decrease in avoidance/partner dominance
-Feel better about partners/themselves
-Able to express feelings
-Increased level of intimacy
-Ask for waht they want and therefore, more likely to get it


P.S. Once again, feel free to comment/ask any questions <3

Lesson 1: Anger/Conflict Resolution

1. So always remember anger is a “normal” emotion, one that we all feel at times, but that is NOT a BENEFICIAL emotion—especially when we act out of anger.

2. Resolve Conflicts Early: If decision that should be made is not made, this could lead to the development of a problem, which would then need to be solved. If problem not solved, it could lead to a crisis, which is more difficult to resolve.
3. Rules for Fighting Fair:

1.      Avoid Ultimatums

2.      Say what you really mean, instead of beating around the bush or lying.

3.      Use “I” Statements

4.      Don’t try to guess what the other person is thinking or feeling, JUST ASK.

5.      Never use sex to smooth over a disagreement: the other partner will feel pressured into the decision and resent their partner later on.

6.      Refuse to fight dirty: No verbal abuse, Pretending things are ok when they’re not, etc.

7.      Resist giving the silent treatment: Conflict doesn’t go away by itself—in fact, it may increase anger in the other person

8.      Focus on the PRESENT issue

9.      Call time-out: when arguments get too intense (remember to come back to it after both have cooled down!)

10.  Always go for closure: make sure the conflict is resolved.

        Facts about Anger: 

-Anger is a feeing
-Universal
-nonexpression lead to increased risk off coronary disease
-Venting of anger "catharsis" only value when sets stage for resolution
-aggression does not lead to resolution
-anger directed toward those close to us

Myths:

-Venting "releases" anger
-women get less angry than men
-some people never get angry
-anger always results from frustrations
-active sports/competitive work "release" anger


Ask PinkFlyingCow: If anyone has questions, feel free to comment and I will help in anyway I can!

Ask PinkFlyingCow

Hey Guys,

So I’m taking a really interesting class that teaches and prepares people to have healthy intimate relationships now and for marriage. I thought it’d be interesting to post some “Lessons” about what I’m learning so y’all can benefit from what I’m going to class and learning about! Hopefully it’ll help improve some relationships—whether it be intimate ones or friendships. All my posts will be based off of a combination of what I learned in class and through the text ( Marriage and Families-Intimacy, Diversity, and Strengths by Olson, DeFrain, and Skogrand) and of course my own insights/experiences! I’ll include a Ask PinkFlyingCow section at the end of each lesson if anyone has questions that need to be answered :)